You know what?
The movie got to have a beautiful happy ending.
It's gotta be unpredictable. like a fun indie vibe.
Black and white. lens flare. It's gotta have lens flare or
else it's not a movie...
the intended title I'm thinking right now is-
Cold Dreams.
Hey what? I'd just say?
I don't know.
Hey Eddie! Are you listening to me?
I got gas.
You got your anti-acids?
No.
All right. beautiful?
Okay? Maybe you come back soon?
And she gone.
What is that?
This?
Female sanitary appliance.
Elite bodyguards all carry 'em. You know why?
The second you start bleeding. I pop this shit in
and blood stops. It stops the bleeding.
It can save your goddamn life.
And get rid of the comic book.
She's gonna be here in like five minutes.
Hey!
Hello? I'm slightly early.
Is it Katherine?
Yeah.
Take a seat. You want something to eat?
Some lunch would be really nice.
We make an incredible hotdog. what d'ya say?
Yeah.
Hey. Manny let me get a hotdog.
Soda and fries. por favor?
Diet orange juice. please.
Diet orange soda. you got it.
What are these?
I think those are steaks. Louie?
No shit. genius.
Why did you pull them out of the freezer?
It's for the dinner crowd.
No. you're not supposed to use these. ass wipe.
You're supposed to use the ones in storage. next door!
Manny. put these steaks back in the freezer and get me twenty
sirloins from storage. next door.
What's the matter with you? Huh? You shit for brains!
I told you. I told which steaks to sell here.
One more time. both of you. I'm gonna violate you to your
parole officer. you hear me?
You'll be upstate in a heartbeat. you got it?
The credit card machine is still on he fritz. Louie.
Yeah well. you're taking cash until it's fixed.
Yeah.
As you know...
I'm so sorry. there so much in your mouth.
As you know. you were recommended to me
by Thomas Tresham. a client of mine.
Wh-who?
British Tommy.
Oh Tommy.
He recommended you. highly.
Client? How?
I was his lawyer in London.
You're a lawyer?
An item will be delivered at a location.
Next week.
I want you to intercept the delivery and bring it to me.
Yeah. we can do that. baby.
The man making the exchange. has guards.
He will meet and exchange the package with others.
The fee is twenty thousand each.
Well. the going rate's thirty. Each.
I'm not going to go higher than twenty.
That's inclusive of two passports.
Wait a minute. The gig's not here?
No. it's in London next week.
Next...? You came all the way from London. England?
For us?
This isn't really my field and Mr. Tresham is
my sole contact in this area.
Well that's tough luck.
Our parole's conditional on us maintaining employment here.
Plus your offer is way too low especially if we're
going to jump the pond.
How much do I owe you?
You know there's gotta be a way we can work this out.
Don't you think? We haven't even thought it through for a second.
Maybe we can talk about it?
Is your diner a chain?
Yeah. A real shitty. shitty chain.
If I can sort out your parole issues and this
establishment. would you agree to the venture at my price?
Knock yourself out.
Break's over. ladies.
Erm-Louie?
Yes. darling.
You buy cheap stock. steaks on this occasion with
your own money and you store them next door.
If twenty steaks are ordered. you serve the cheap steaks you
bought. not the ones on the premises that are bought
by the company. You don't fix the credit card machine so
everyone pays in cash. You keep the cash for yourself.
If head office gets suspicious and check the stock they'll
find it all still here on the premises in the freezer. unused.
That's all very illegal.
Eddie is going away for a week.
He's going to be bringing his friend. Paul.
Yes. with Paul.
You're going to call their parole officer. say you're
sending them away on a catering course as they're
doing so well and that they'll be unable to attend. otherwise
I'm going to call head office. tell them about your illegal
activities which I assure you will result in your prosecution.
Do we have an agreement?
Hey. Louie! You're a disgrace to the restaurant business.
You fucking skunk! Katherine. we're in!
No. we're not in.
We're not in. We're not in yet.
Thirty. Each. Or no deal.
Twenty. no higher.
Thirty. You need me.
- Us. - Us.
Agreed.
Fuck Yeah!
On one condition.
No-one gets harmed.
If it them or us. I know who I'm choosing there. Princess.
Don't call me that.
Yoga?
You look healthy.
I've been meaning to say for the past few days.
I do Tai Chi myself.
It's a soft martial art. keeps me-supple.
He does look good though. right?
You do look good.
You do look good- Cardio. is what I do.
Panic attack doesn't count as cardio.
Whatever.
Hey. you know what. Corny? What'd you say.
After this. we talk about your acting career.
I'd be delighted to.
You ever tread the boards?
No. my good man.
I'm actually a film producer.
Can I just say what a pleasure it is to be working
with you again.
I hope I didn't inconvenience you in requesting you come
to London but I couldn't think of anyone I trust more.
Tommy. I don't think we need the silencer.
If the shit hits the fan. the louder the better.
You know what I mean?
Take it off. please.
The louder the better. That's so wise.
What the...
Hey man?
Why don't you like kitty cats?
Because dogs are better.
Dogs aren't better.
Yeah. more independent?
Hands up. motherfucker.
Put your fucking hands up. right now!
Hands in the air. there's a good chap or those
lovely long eyelashes will close forever.
Come here. Come on come on. Come come come come.
Drop the bag! Drop the bag!
Drop the fucking bag!
Do what he says. This guy's a fucking maniac.
Kick it over to me.
Kick it over to me!!
Kick it over. man. Nobody needs to get hurt.
OK. kick it over to me right now. kick it right now.
Are you fucking serious?
Come on guys. stop fucking around.
Are you fucking kidding me.
What are you? A fucking-?
What do I do?
Pick it up.
I'm going to pick it up but nobody going to fucking
move. do you hear me?
Nobody move. nobody fucking move!
Pick it up. Nobody fucking...
OK.
Keep the gun on him!
Hey! Hey. hey. hey! Stay where you are!
All right. all right. Calm down. easy.
Hey hey!
Stay back!
Game over. man. It's over.
Stay back!
Just chill out. man.
Hey. hey. hey. wait!
Easy. easy. easy?
Shit.
Let's go. let's go. let's go.
Get it- get the hell out of here!
Let's go!! Let's go!!
Oh. here they are.
All tickety-boo. chaps?
Let's go! Let's tickety fucking move!
Start the fucking car!
OK. calm down.
My name is Dino Lane and this one is for Deacon and the lads.
Shout out lads!
Thanks. Dino.
Bravo. Dino!
OK? from the top?
The Americans stole that bag and they'll give it to
that cow tomorrow- what do you do then?
Once we see the exchange. that's when we move.
Take the bag and anything else. no prisoners.
What don't you do?
Look inside the bag.
Straight after you get the bag. you go to this address.
Call me. sit tight. no other calls. you don't leave for food.
Smokes. girls. nothing. You wait.
For me.
Oy. Billy Ray Cyrus?
How many times have I told you to fix the bloody door!
Hmm?
Fix it!!
Dexter and I are going upstairs for a business meeting.
Do not call me. Do not disturb me.
Hand over a bottle of red.
Come on!
Evening. Mrs. Bradshaw.
Fuck off George. you stink of ketchup and-farts.
What business. mum?
Did you book the tickets to Barbados?
No.
Do it!
I'm not going to spend all year in this fucking dump.
Look at it.
I gave birth to a fucking haircut.
Just like his fucking dad?
Don't he look silly boys. eh?
Eh?
Fucking stupid?
Change of plan.
I'm going with you.
You stay here and lock up.
You two come with me.
We ain't open.
Scrambled eggs on toast?
2.95
Trouble maker.
Plain omlette?
3.95
Oi. mullet head? What is it?
Double denim day. yeah?
This jacket-
was me dad's.
You bring your dad down here. yeah?
I take you and your dad.
Huh?
Me dad's dead.
Good.
Yeah!
Okay.
That's right.
You all right?
Had a bunch of queens trying it on a minute ago-
I've lost a button.
Get some aprons on.
Wakey. wakey. rise and shine. Hong Kong Phooey?
Come on. there's a good lad.
Show me a room where I can lock you in.
There's a pantry...
ju... just down... just down there...
Mind your hair when you go down there...
I. I. I meant your head not your hair.
My dad had his hair like this.
I. I. I love your dad. I wish he was still alive...
your hair...
I didn't mean it! I. I wasn't...
I'll have a coffee.
All right. all cool!
You think a person thrown and killed from a great height is...
all cool?
- That was. that was unavoidable. - That...
- that... you can't... - that was ahh...
- he tripped. - Yeah. that was an act of God.
You're a lawyer. you know about that...
I assumed you were professionals.
Oh. I'm so sorry. we are professionals.
What did you just say?
We had an agreement. no-one seriously injured.
Cut the shit and hand over our cash you brat...
Right. come on. gimme my money.
Christ! What is it?
A Mary Poppins bag?
What the fuck is this.
It's short... it's fucking way short.
Well. the agreement was thirty each and no-one seriously hurt
but you didn't adhere to that. so a penalty it drops to my
original offer of twenty each.
You...
I tell you what. you take the hamburger
and I'll take the filet mignon.
Give it to me!
No.
Give it to me! Give... Give... give it to me...
come on. come on. come on... - No!
Aaahhh!!!
What was that?
Watch her. watch the rucksack.
Don't move. Don't fucking move.
Watch her good. hear me?
There's a dead dude in the kitchen.
What?
Yeah...
Who's the dead dude in the kitchen?
I know nothing about that.
Who the fuck are these two people?
I don't know.
Come on. come on...
it's okay. just tell us. you wanted them to take care of
us and then keep the money. is that it?
No.
Don't move. Stop. Who's the bag for?
That's not your concern.
Yes it is our fucking concern.
Someone tries to kill us. It's our concern. Princess.
Stop calling me that. Everyone makes mistakes...
Wan can I talk to you in private. in private.
Just you and me. just talk in private.
Don't look. look away for one second...
We're going to talk for a second.
Do you have any idea what's inside this bag?
Look. I... Wha... kitty cats? I don't...
I don't like kitty cats... bearer bonds.
About eight hundred thousand.
Eight hundred fucking thousand.
She didn't tell us that...
What the fuck we do with 'em?
We fence the bonds. get the fuck out of Dodge.
What we still doing here. right?
Better be on the run with a ton of money than nothing at all!
Did she hear that?
Yeah...
Use your indoor voice.
Okay this is it for me. What d'ya think? Fence it?
You think she knew about these guys?
Where'd she go? Where's the rucksack?
Katherine.
Arkady.
What a surprise...
Would you like some... umm breakfast?
Coffee? Croissant?
Ahh-umm. I shouldn't.
Well. tell us what happened?
I waited for the Americans to collect the bonds. they did.
Two men arrived... they attacked us.
She's lying.
The Americans fought them off.
I managed to slip away with the bag.
Ugly cow is lying.
Why would my men do such a thing?
Continue.
Still have the Americans' money...
I think it's better we pay them off... if...
they've done nothing wrong.
Well...
ah. thank you for all your help.
You are now debt free.
I'll be sorry to lose your services.
So I can pay the Americans off?
No we'll take of the Americans ourselves.
Why take a chance.
Just. just. tell us where they are.
As your legal advisor. I think it's best if we don't add
murder to your current issues...
and. umm. I don't want to be an accessory.
Hmm. well are you asking me for a favor?
A favor that's in your interest.
Well. if I do this favor for you it'll mean you still owe me the
same amount. the debt would be back on.
That's not fair...
I. I've done everything that you...
ah fine.
Bastard!
Fucking fuck!
Fuckers!
I'm going to choose to believe that...
you sent your two men to simply collect the bonds as I
instructed but then...
they took it upon themselves to attack the Americans...
and take everything without your knowledge...
No. no...
I'm choosing to believe you had nothing to do with it.
Arkady. I swear on my...
I swear on my mother's...
Deacon. you...
are a repulsive...
testicle.
Those two men of yours will show up...
somewhere.
Hmm...
I'm going to meet your friends downstairs.
You stay here til I get back.
Do not move from this spot.
Piggy... eh?
Come on... come with me.
Two large tuna mayo baguettes
Chicks.
You know what I mean?
Chicks.
Shape-shifting.
At least we'll be back in the US tomorrow. right?
Out of this shithole of a fucking country.
Yeah. that's right.
Hello?
Who's that?
Yeah...
Fine... fucking fine.
It was Katherine. She's on her way up.
Tommy must have told her where we were.
You let her up here. Now?
- Right now? - Yeah.
Right-course you let her up. you're a genius.
That's awesome.
Come to take more of our money.
Cause we don't have anymore thanks to you.
I came to explain... And... apologize.
Apologize?
For stabbing us in the back?
I saved your life. How did...?
Will you let me explain?
Arkady is the man who organized the job.
I owed him a substantial amount of money.
Getting you to steal the bonds was how I'd pay him back.
We're delighted you're off the hook.
Arkady wanted you both dead.
I convinced him not to do it but at great cost.
I am now back in debt to him.
One of his people. an animal by the name of...
Deacon Bradshaw sent those two men to steal everything.
I think you're full of shit.
Well I think you were going to sell the bonds leaving me
at Arkady's mercy. - Oh. you don't know...
Arkady's planning something.
Who cares.
I care. I do. I care.
Arkady and Deacon met three men involved with them previously...
serious armed robbers.
I'm sure Arkady is using the bonds to fund a large robbery...
I thought that. umm it might be something we could take
advantage of. capitalize on. all of us.
Ahh. that's why she came back. not to apologize...
Come on. let's go.
Let's go. honey.
Let's go. come on. let's go...
It's a no.
You're here illegally with forged passports. you've
violated your parole. you've committed a robbery...
and a murder.
If the police were informed. you'd spend the rest of your
life locked up. probably never see your country again.
You threatening me?
You're in this just as much as we are. princess.
I'm not involved in the slightest.
And whatever you say.
They'll believe me over a pair of convicted criminals.
Oh. and let's not forget the museum CCTV footage of your
recent shambolic... endeavor.
You know. I think they'll be able to match your faces despite
your mastery of disguise with... with baseball caps.
Oh no. I think they worked.
Bullshit...
I'll be upstairs in the bar for fifteen minutes...
Excuse me.
What's 'shambolic'?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? What you talking about?
It's a no. you said it's a no like five fucking times!
It's a no.
It's a no? She could call the cops on us!
Calm down... lower your fucking voice...
She could call the cops on us.
We're gonna listen to what she has to say.
What are you wearing? What are you. Ron Jeremy?
This is my... this is what I wear...
Please. God.
When I get out the shower and I don't want to put on pants and I
wanna feel like a goddam man.
Please take that off.
In the name of baby Jesus. take that thing off.
I am so sorry. What is this? You put on a shirt?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Are you trying to look pretty for someone?
Is it for me? Do you wanna look pretty for me?
Maybe.
No. I don't think it's for me.
Hello. handsome.
All right. lads?
How's the knee?
Better.
It looks fantastic.
You?
I shink I need a dentisht.
Sorry about everything. sir.
Not a problem. You kept quiet yeah?
Not a word.
Shat tight ever shince.
You what?
Shat.
We're gonna get you a doctor...
And you a dentisht...
dentist.
Give you some cash. send you away somewhere...
get some sun till things die down...
how d'ya fancy Spain?
Sounds good. Boss.
You two hungry?
Fish and chips?
Yeah...
Can I have a private word?
Yeah...
Be back in a jiffy.
...Please don't... please. please
Ssshhh!
Please... please...
We get in here and you let me do the talking. okay?
You got it.
I got this. you're gonna give me the ball.
- You're the Cap. - I know exactly what to say.
- Run like OJ. - Yes.
Take off your glasses.
We're not going to do it..
You want me to call the police?
Yeah. go ahead.
Good luck with everything. Hannibal cause we're not
going to do it.
What is it you that want?
If we're going to help. whatever you got already planned. I know
you got something already planned. we want eighty percent.
Not fifty-fifty.
Eighty percent. not fifty-fifty.
You understand?
Not fifty. fifty.
That's not fair.
What d'ya mean it's not fair?
We're not here to bargain with you. princess. You need me.
- Us. - Us.
I need a moment to process this information...
Take your moment...
is it happening?
Twenty percent would be sufficient.
Yes!! Twenty... Sorry. twenty percent would be good.
All right. When this is finished. I'm gone...
I'm... this... I'm done. you understand?
I'm outta here.
That means I'm getting a jet plane. going across the pond
back to where I belong. do you understand?
You got me?
Do you copy that?
She got it.
Eighty percent
My pineapple...
All right. chop. chop.
Great to be working with you again. Eddie.
Right.
Sorry. could you concentrate?
Yah.
Across this street is Deacon's pub...
He lives there. with every illegal activity that
Arkady funds through it. Is suggest we monitor it.
Follow him and his associates from here.
Our entrance is on a completely different street.
Deacon won't see us come in or out.
Our base. we'll live here.
What's that smell?
Sorry.
Thoughts?
Makes sense. I like it.
Dart board. I dig it.
What are you. fucking crazy?
This mural's amazing...
This place's a shithole.
We gotta lot of space...
They're painting over the fucking faeces.
You don't even smell that? Smells like a gorilla shit
in his hand. then ate it and shit again on the ground.
You better get me a hotel cause I'm not fucking staying here.
Yeah. good. I've rented it.
There's food here in the fridge. bedding's in the other room.
Toiletries...
What the fuck is this?
You expect us to use this cheap waxy shit?
Well. you want more expensive items. you to have to pay for
them out of your own pocket. Now as we're all...
participating equally. but I'm the sole person who is
forwarding funds here. I will want my share of these
purchases... and the rent on successful completion.
I've got an itemized bill with receipts of my spend so far.
You are going to need surveillance items...
please list them but no purchases will be made until
everyone's given the all clear.
Agreed?
Nice trainers. is that what you call them. trainers?
- Unique. - Yes.
What if I do this like that... go Kung Fu-
Interrupt me again and I will snap your fucking arm off.
Cornelius.
Listen up!!
This is my high-end moisturized toilet paper.
Nobody fucking uses it!
Do you understand!
A-huh.
Do you fucking understand?
Or next week?
Lunch?
Bye.
Why don't you get some sleep for a second...
My shift.
Yeah.
Elegant simple solutions are always the best.
I'm sorry. come again?
In the 60s space race. NASA were faced with
the problem of inventing a
pen for their astronauts that would write in zero gravity.
Spent millions. eventually came up with a pen that worked.
The Russians faced with the same problem. gave their
cosmonauts... a pencil.
You a communist. Katherine?
Hey. dude. come on. these are fun facts here...
Whether the story is true or not. the point is. we expend too
much time on a complex problem while overlooking the elegant
simple solution that is right before our eyes.
Is that how you figured out about Louie and the steaks?
It was obvious. a total moron would have spotted it.
I bought napkins. you know... if you want to get a little...
I'm gonna...
yup.
Hey.
My turn.
Any action?
No. nothing...
We know what we are but not...
what we may be.
Wow...
hey. how do you know Katherine. anyway?
She's my cousin.
Really?
Yeah...
Why's she doing all this. I mean she's not
exactly the criminal type.
She was...
working for a huge law firm then she met some chap who convinced
her to give him her life savings to start up a business.
The business was going under so he asked her to get a loan
from Arkady. She did and the fucker ran off
with the money and her best friend...
Next thing I know. she's working solely for Arkady to pay the
debt off...
I tried to track him down but it was impossible.
I'd fucking snapped his neck.
Full crew on the porch.
I see 'em. I'm on it.
I'm gonna follow 'em on foot.
My shift...
Go and eat.
Actually. I may go for a walk. I'm going for a walk.
Going for a walk. Be back soon.
Hello. darlin'... What can I get you?
You can start by getting me a beer.
You're an American are you?
Yes. ma'am.
Say that again.
Ye-s Maa-am.
Ohh...
I work for NASA.
Nooo.
Yes. it's crazy. Steven Hawking got me the job...
Anyway. I had to stop because I went on this insane mission.
One time there's an asteroid. coming to Earth. right?
Wow.
But we need to blow it up so it doesn't hit Earth. so we split
it into two. right but I came out. I'm so tired saving the
world so I was like. you know what. I'll just produce movies.
I'm in the Arts you know.
You? What'd you do?
There... My pictures. see?
You made those?
Genital fruits.
Genital fruits is what you call them.
My name's Dawn by the way.
Teddy Roosevelt.
Oh. for fuck's sake. Dexter!
Excuse me.
I'm here at the weekends usually.
Oh yeah?
Hmm.
No. I told you it was over. Now. hop it! Come on...
Good morning.
Top of the morning.
How did your...
mission go?
Waste of time.
That... bar was busy. Couldn't understand
their accents. they don't speak like you do.
They're old school. working class cockneys. a dying breed.
Kept saying the 'C' word.
Cunt.
Yeah...
They kept saying 'dog and bone' and...
'throw a pint down my Gregory'
Gregory Peck...
they'd throw a beer. down my Gregory Peck... neck.
Wh... what is that?
It's rhyming. Cockney rhyming slang.
Slang?
It rhymes.
Dog and bones... um... phone.
- Cool. - Dog and bone...
Gregory Peck. neck...
eh mate. er-eh maa-ate...
al'right mate...
Ooy. innit...
Gregory Peck. neck ain't it. inn't...
Pretty good. huh?
Nah...
I'll work on it...
Any tips?
Imagine you're chewing on a sandwich whilst talking.
Right...
I'll bring my uncle Martin and his pals on this next time
Deacon goes to that bar.
You see something?
No it's all good.
It's my shift.
Okay.
Tea. Eddie?
I'm good. Thank you.
On seeing a young lady. degrading comments
are made. Mickey: "I'd finger her with all five."
Deacon: "You fucking cunt.
The only thing you've fingered is your arsehole"...
laughter ensues.
George: "Look at the tits on it.
I'd bang that whore till it dropped off."
Milroy Primus: "I never go down on bad pussy."
Mickey... urr... um "I bet she could swallow and fart
at the same time."
I have "swallow and part."
No. umm er...
I. I think it's "'swallow and farts".
Doesn't make sense at all.
I agree.
What would be the point of swallowing...
Thank you... Uncle.
Very thorough. Excellent work.
Not a problem... Thomas.
May I ask... is Mr. Deacon a herpetologist?
What's that?
Well. it's from the Greek. 'herpien' meaning 'to creep'.
A branch of zoology dealing with the study of amphibians.
I'm asking because the gentleman with the extravagant
hairstyle... Deacon...
he kept on repeating 'Blue Iguana'...
Blue iguana this. blue iguana that.
"The money that fat tub of shit Arkady and us will be
making will be fucking... orgasmic".
Blue Iguana...
It's a diamond.
Sorry... we... what happened?
- Blue Iguana is a diamond. - What is it?
Has it magical powers like it curses anybody who touches it.
See what you're gonna look like when you're old.
No. It's just a diamond.
If you look into it. do you see your future?
In the 80s a Turkish Prince married an English woman.
He purchased the Blue Iguana as a wedding gift.
He loved her but she partied. gambled.
She was too wild for him. didn't work.
But wouldn't divorce her. He went home. sent her
to Switzerland. provided her with a few million a year.
My heart bleeds for her.
A few months ago I heard he decided to take her back. he
wants to present her at a family gathering...
wearing the diamond.
So?
So she lost it in a card game to a man named Jacob Taylor.
Without it he won't take her back...
The diamond is kept in a high security safety deposit centre.
If Arkady steals the diamond for the princess. she'll be welcomed
back and ensure he is too.
Very lucrative for him...
Arkady's tired of funding Deacon's illegal activities
to survive.
He wants to make a large amount of money and retire.
Do you know this Princess?
Vaguely.
Arkady introduced us. did some work for her.
And how do you propose we get into this hi-tech facility. huh?
You got to be juiced up on the inside.
We know fucking... nothing!
They could have security systems. timers. smart water.
Fucking motion sensor detectors!
They could have all that shit and we don't know because we
can't fucking see!
Don't need to know.
We steal it from Deacon when he steals it. give it to
the Princess. collect the reward.
Simple solution to a complex problem.
OK...
If that simple solution works. what'd think she'd pay?
Between five to six million.
And is that pounds or-
- It's pounds. - Pounds...
You know the other day. when I was umm...
when I wanted to uh...
when I tried to ahh...
I'm. I wanna say...
I was tired. my head was not...
I'm sorry. And thanks for
getting Arkady off our backs and saving our lives.
So if there's anything...
I owe you. okay?
Hmm.
After they steal it. how are they gonna get this rock
to the Princess? - Diamond.
Yeah... the... Purple Serpent or whatever it is.
Well. Arkady can't go to her in Switzerland because of
various offences. so she's either coming here or...
he's sending a courier.
He won't trust a courier.
He's gonna wanna give it to her personally...
We find out when she's comin'.
We'll know when they're hittin' the diamond.
I know her travel agent. If she's coming here.
He may tell me.
Do it. Call.
Can I have a cappuccino to go. please?
She's coming in a month.
He said that she's coming in a month!
We can't wait a month.
What do you suggest?
We need to twist a pig's ear. watch it squeal.
Yes. clearly...
I don't understand that metaphor.
We need to put the squeeze on Arkady so the cops jump all over
him and he's forced into stealin' the diamond sooner
rather than later.
It's gotta be something big. big enough to scare the crap out of
him. panic him into action.
Arkady just claimed insurance on this... building.
He upped his insurance policy just before Deacon set
fire to it. He used the insurance money
so that he could fix it up and sell it.
But the police are still investigating the incident.
That's good...
That's good. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin?
Possibly.
Yeah...
We blow the hell out of the building so the police jump all
over Arkady which should make him steal the diamond faster.
Got full crew on the car.
Roger. Paulie.
Go get 'em Corny.
Over and out.
Yup -
All right. sonofabitch...
Bullseye.
My shift.
Yeah. Hey. Tommy...
Do you mind if I borrow your gun real quick?
Wh... what? Why?
I'm going to the pub next door. snoop around.
Feel safer having it on me. know what I mean?
You told Eddie about your... visits?
It's... who cares. It's not even a big...
he won't even care. we're. you know what I mean?
It's a special edition Glock 26 polymer framed
semi-automatic pistol...
Try not to kill a child.
No. I wouldn't kill a child. I'm just honestly going next.
Probably going to find something else. it's good to have it's
just in case I need it... Raaka. kaa. kaa.
So fuck you.
Have fun.
Let me get a whiskey and whatever the
pretty lady'll like. - Hello. Ted!
Ahh. you remembered my name...
How's the girlfriend. then?
Ohh no. I don't have a girlfriend.
She left me when I was on the asteroid.
- Aww. - I know and I loved her.
I mean I loved her. I gave her everything.
I gave her cars. I gave her love but when you're on that asteroid
saving the world. it becomes...
you become like a hero and sometimes they can't handle it.
Here you go. darlin'...
well...
may the bitch die confused and alone.
Fuck. yeah.
Hey... um...
why don't you and I get a little... dinner.
Maybe a drink and talk about this...
I've made other arrangements.
Excuse me?
Where you going?
I have to go.
Ahh. you don't have time for...?
See you later.
If you come with me right now. you may find yourself having an
experience so fucking intense it will make you feel lit up
from the inside like you've never fucking felt before.
Actually. actually no... where's your bathroom?
- Umm... In the pub. - Good.
I'm. I'm going to use it. then you're going to go upstairs...
Okay. I'm going to fuck you...
I'm going to have it. I'm going to do this... and this...
Promises. promises. eh?
Don't be long!
I'm just running to the toilet... I'll be back.
Fuck off! I'm having a shit!
Yeah... yup.
Yup. yup. yup.
What are you doing here?
Ho-how weird.
Came here for the fish and chips...
It's a good restaurant...
You okay?
Disgusting little man.
Who is that guy?
He the guy who took all your cash?
Tommy told you.
Why do women always go for these douche bags?
Why you talking to this guy?
You call me naïve but I thought he wanted to get back with me...
He wanted money.
You want me to kick his ass?
I was joking.
Forget about him. me kicking his ass...
Positive. you gotta stay positive. honey...
Glass half- Glass half full.
You know I saved your life and you said if there's any favor
you could do for me...
Katherine. look...
let me explain It's... it's embarrassing...
I'm taking these.
Katherine?
Katherine!
Where're you going?
Let's not do this. Come on. have a chip.
Sit down. Relax.
Out of my way!
Stop being a douche bag. come on.
Aaahhh!!
Get your hands off me. you American prick!
Fucking hell!
Shall I make you some coffee?
Where're you been?
Nowhere.
Stop. what the fuck?
Is that my fucking toilet paper?
Umm... No.
Yes. it is! That's my fucking toilet paper!
Where's my gun?
I... don't have it on me right now.
What gun... what happened?
Paul went to Deacon's pub and fucked what I can only assume
was the ghost of Christmas Past.
Sonofabitch.
Where's my gun?
OK! It might be in the toilet at Deacon's pub...
First thing's first...
Where are my wet wipes?
They wanted me for Frodo.
No shit. Frodo Baggins?
This is 1999. I was much thinner then.
The director he loved me. took me to lunch...
said I was too tall. - Oh!
To make me hobbit size. was gonna add a million dollars...
a foot. yeah. a million dollars a foot for every effects shot.
A million dollars?
- I'm six foot two. - Yeah. you're huge!
So... they went with the shorter fellow.
As you would...
Fuck that. you know what?
I'm gonna put you in my independent movie.
Really?
Yes. Think about it for a second. okay?
It starts with a forty-five minute one shot. do you like
lens flare? - I love lens flare.
There's so much lens flare in this. you're gonna be like Wh,
what's going on?
There's so much fucking lens flare...
close your eyes. - Yeah.
I'm going to give you the working title...
'No More Nothing'
Oooh yeah.
- Yeah. - No More Nothing.
- Think about it - I like it...
- Yeah. - I like it. Paulie...
It's dark...
it sorts of hangs. hangs there.
Then it just drops.
Into nothing or...
Everything.
Hey. come on guys. let's move we've got other floors to do.
Let's go.
Ordinance working well?
Yeah. perfect sir. Thank you for your help.
You're a good man. Uncle Martin.
Where do you want this?
Right there. Corny...
Yeah. pack it to the brim. when in doubt...
Overload?
I spot a fellow military man from a mile away...
Ever so thrilled to be working with all again.
All this sitting around on cold surfaces
is terrible for the prostate.
Prostate... we all know roughly where it is.
But where exactly is the prostate?
Well you know when you shove your finger up your arse...
Do people do-what'd you mean?
Get that thing out of my fucking face.
You've got to just wrap those things up.
- Yeah look at it. - It's disgusting.
This is going to save your life one day.
Hey guys. come on...
You still got... how long have you had this fucking tampon.
For awhile but if you get hurt. you're gonna want me to use-
I say...
Someone's been shopping.
Do you want us to...
are we blowing. we're blowing someone up. right?
Should we...
Yeah. let's ahh...
yeah. So ahh...
Don't touch it 'til you're ready.
The police have called.
They're preparing an investigation into the matter
especially because you claimed insurance on the
previous fire...
They found traces of explosives.
I'll do my best but we are sailing close to the wind on
this one. Arkady.
Couple of my sources tell me the police will arrest you in the
next few days. maybe even today.
Seems they have a personal grudge.
Any idea who could have done it?
You know in my country you could talk to anyone...
judges. police. lawyers. just give them a little something and
they'd make things disappear.
Ahh miss it.
My people...
they understood these ways because they're human.
Not like these dishonest bum fuckers!
Oh yes...
oh yes...
Look see if you can buy some time with the police...
say um. well say anything.
Yeah?
Yeah look. find. find your own way out.
I've got to go. so-
Yeah...
Okay. I see him.
I got it.
1. 2. 3. 4 and up...
up...
hold it here...
4. 3. 2. 1. let's go...
and up 2. 3. 4 and squeeze.
You gotta be kidding me.
1. 2. 3. 4 and freeze.
Squeeze. Squeeze.
Ridiculous!
What is he doing?
Is this like a British thing?
We put the squeeze on this guy and he goes to a
fucking Salsa class!
I don't think this is Salsa. It's some sort of fusion.
Nazi themed urban street dance...
Tommy...
Ridiculous!
What else do we gotta do. we blew up a fucking building!
He spends hours there. drinking smoothies. eating granola...
This is nothing. Corny. did you get anything today?
Bugger all. ole fella.
Tommy?
Nothing there.
Great.
What've got with Deacon and the boys?
Followed them into town. saw them for hours. lost them like
for 30 minutes. saw 'em again right here at the pub
and that's where they are.
I have fucking nothing for today...
Great. we have fucking nothing. What are we doing?
Eddie? What we do?
Eddie?
Stop.
What are we fucking doing?
I'm sorry. princess. we gotta go.
I'm sorry. don't fucking call me Princess. What're you
saying? You're just going to go back to America?
We stay here any longer. we're in trouble. big trouble.
It's that easy for you?
Well before you... go. let me just tell you
that the bag that's in this video is our bag.
The same bag you stole which had the bonds in.
And the man taking the bag here is Head of Security at the Blue
Iguana safety deposit centre where the Blue Iguana is stored.
Arkady's clearly exchanged the bonds you stole for
the security codes.
They're going to walk straight in. no safe cracking. no
explosives. just take the Blue Iguana and walk straight out...
Your plan to put the squeeze on Arkady actually worked...
But if you're just so desperate to leave...
don't let me stop you.
I need some ice-cream.
You all right?
Just tired.
Yes?
Oh!
Hello...
Yah...
okay thank you.
That was the Princess' travel agent.
He says she's landing in a few hours. staying at a hotel
for six hours then flying straight out.
Tell me what happened with Deacon again?
Yeah. followed him and the apes all day. lost them in town for
a bit. picked them back up. followed them to Deacon's pub
and that's where they are right now.
They close the place down for the night.
It's Uncle Martin.
Arkady just got the train back into town.
They stole it today.
They have the diamond.
They got the diamond.
What's happening?
They stole it when you lost them
in town for 30 minutes.
Arkady must have left town so he wouldn't be around when it was
stolen in case something happened.
He's coming back now. knowing it's been successful. They'll
deliver it to Arkady who'll give it to the Princess today.
Gang's protecting Deacon 'til delivery.
We need to hit the pub. Right now.
I don't know if we got to go right now.
We can't go there guns a- blazing. that's fucking suicide.
What about this. let's think for a second. we're not even
thinking. we're not throwing ideas out. what if we think like
an intricate plan. that involves no violence and no guns at all
then we sneak in when they're totally unaware and do it
without shooting or fucking killing. cause we could do that.
We're sneaky.
Let's. let's think it through for a second...
Why don'tcha sit this one out. pal.
Maybe I'll watch from the monitor and make sure.
Something goes wrong. something goes wrong. I...
Yeah.
Someone needs to. someone needs to watch the monitor.
You know what I mean.
Outside in 10?
Hey...
so I told the guys if we get the rock and somethin' happens to
one of us. just keep going...
Is this yours?
Uhmm...
Let me see it.
Maybe.
It's just a dumb comic book.
Final battle. castle lies ahead. he holds her captive there...
I have no fear. her love is my shield against evil...
For I know she would sacrifice her life for me also.
Her love is true.
Does it match my blue eyes?
Get the car...
Going for a piss.
You'll be fine.
I need to ditch the car.
Your timing is perfect.
Had some trouble with the police on my way to you.
What kind of trouble?
Don't know yet. Can't move.
But where are you?
Between places. I'll call you in an hour.
No d...
Where did you go. David fucking Blaine?
I went to get the car. boss.
Car? Where's the car? France?
Just round the corner... then to get it nice and warm...
Get it warm? It's fucking summer!
The airconditioner in that car. has to be warm-
It was like fucking Vietnam. fucking Syria. fucking ISIS all
rolled into fucking one in here!
Who's this ISIS?
ISIS is a terrorist organization formed out of Al-Queda...
Watch the fucking news!!
It does get very hot in that car. boss.
Shut your mouth!!
You fucking twat!
And move that useless lump downstairs with the other
useless prats!
What you laughing at. Yankee!
I love that accent.
It's crazy exotic.
You're the one tied to a fucking pool table so I'd keep your
fucking mouth fucking shut!
You gonna be here for awhile. d'ya think?
How much she payin' ya? That ugly fucking four-eyed cow.
Don't worry about her... everything's gonna be just fine.
I don't fucking thrust her.
She could be playing you like a violin. man...
Eee... Maybe... I don't know.
I just hope I'm fucking wrong about her.
You're wrong about her.
Hope she cares more about you than the diamond.
'Cause you're my fuckin' only way out of here. Yankee...
D'ya get me?
It's him.
I've got what you want. you got what I want.
What you gonna do?
All right. I'll give you what you want.
Though only in a public place...
I'm going to send someone over to stay with you. see if our
man is OK. once you release him to my friend. he's safe.
I'll hand it over.
Where?
Mauros. Leather Lane. 45 minutes.
You're gonna have to go in there.
No fucking way.
They're not going to do anything to you as long as I have this.
Anyway. they do know you're coming.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Wh. what the fuck is happening right now?
Left the gun in the toilet.
Oh my god.
The gun. you left it in the toilet. it's still there.
I dunno. maybe. I've no idea.
Here's what's going to happen...
You go in there. see if he's okay. you ask permission to
use the toilet. you get the gun.
I'll phone you when I'm with Deacon. say...
good luck...
get the gun out and start shooting.
Just fucking kill them all.
Oh no! This. this isn't 'The Godfather' and I'm
not Al fucking Pacino! Okay?
Listen. listen. Katherine. I'm not a killer.
I know I big myself up to you but...
I'm just a fucking smart ass with a big mouth.
I'd gathered...
The thing is Paul. you sat the last one out. if you'd been with
us. Tommy might not have been injured and Eddie definitely
wouldn't have been taken.
I can't do it.
You got no choice. princess.
Ahh!
Huh.
Think you're smart.
Picking this place. near a police station.
You have any idea what I'm going to do to that ugly face
of yours. when this is over?
Pop your hands against the wall...
- Where? - right over there.
You all right?
Hey. man. never been better...
Feel great. - Yeah?
You sit down. you shut your mouth!
Great to see you. pal.
Over there...
What the heck you doing here?
Oh. I was just passing by.
Shut up.
I want him out of there. then I'll give it to you.
Let's see it.
I could do with a smoke.
Disappearing again?
I'm just going to get some cigarettes.
You're making a habit out of this.
I'll be back.
Just get back quicker this time. yeah?
Can I go to the bathroom. please?
You scared. mate?
He's got a bad tummy.
Oooh... upset tummy. eh?
Yes.
Go. fuck off. it's over there.
What you do? What you do?
What the fuck you do?
Hurry up. come on.
Yeah?
Put their guy on.
Hello?
Is he OK?
Yeah...
yeah. he's okay.
OK. well. call me when you're both safe.
Good luck.
Can I get you anything. sir?
Fuck off.
This one's on you.
Ugly sonofabitch.
Goodbye. Katherine.
Thank you for the call.
You are now debt free.
Argh!
Now. now... we don't want to cause a scene
with the local constabulary here...
She got the diamond.
Of course.
She's got it!
Argh! She's got-
She's got it.
You steal it. then call Katherine to bribe her to take
you to her to the Princess to take everything yourself.
Arkady...
She stole it.
How you tried to steal the bonds by sending those men of yours.
You know they turned up with holes in their heads.
Hey!
What's that smell? You smell that?
George? George!
George. George. George!
George of the Jungle!
What the fuck is that smell?
Do you smell that?
Was that in your pants?
You got some poopy in your pants?
Little poor Georgey Porgey Georgey gottpoopy in his pants!
That smells like a skunk with fucking herpes crawled up your
fucking red baboon ass and fucking died!
Jesus Christ. you stink!
Fucking take a bath. motherfucker!
Shut the fuck up!
Fuck!!
Ah fuck.
Waaa!!!
It's okay. it's just blood. Come on. let's go.
It's OK. come here...
untie me.
Aaahhh!!!
- What you fucking doing? - Stop the bleeding!
Get the fuck away from me! Fucking untie me!
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is the matter with you?
Oh fuck...
It's OK. OK. Let's go and wash up.
Is she OK? Where's Katherine?
Hey...
- Hi... - What's up.
Yeah. yup... not much.
What took you so long?
Sorry.
Ahh. you need to see this.
OK. we don't have much time...
Guys...
Did I get everything off?
Did. did George accidentally shoot himself in the head...
because of the guilt of smelling so bad.
I had a Yankee tied to the fucking pool table.
Yeah...
Did... did he want a share of the diamond and you.
You wouldn't give it to him?
What're you talking about?
All my men are fucking dead.
Well. I can see that.
I've been shot in the shoulder. Arkady.
Nice shirt that.
Make sure the doors are locked...
and come back.
You know what. I know it's here somewhere.
She's got the diamond...
I'm not going to look for it...
because...
you are going to tell me where it is.
She's got the diamond. I swear on my life.
Ahh aaahhh!!
Shot your shoulder? Am I stupid?
Am I stupid?
Where's the diamond. eh?
Where's the diamond?
But...
Yee-sss!!!
Who's the boss now. eh?
Eh?
Look at you. you're dead!
You're fucking dead!!
Neh-neh-neh-na!!
Bastard!
We have a car. are we all ship shape?
- Yeah. - Yup.
Splendid.
Ahh. shit!
Fuck I forgot. you OK?
Just don't bleed on my car. will you?
What you doing here?
What'ya done to your hand?
Caught in a door.
Fucking retard.
Got tickets for Barbados. got to leave now to catch the flight.
You're having a laugh... What? Now?
Yeah. well. my passport and bags are at me sisters. so...
We can swing by... I gotta see a friend at a hotel on the way...
Well. are you coming?
All right. keep your fucking hair on.
What did he say?
Don't worry about it. keep moving.
We're going upstairs.
Sit down. sit down.
Do you need me?
OK. we're going to sit down. normal unsuspicious.
Wait. watch this.
What's in your pocket?
Nothing.
It's only a little firecracker. OK?
Jesus... there's a fucking...
cop over there.
I know there's a fucking cop over there.
It's a. it's a very small bomb. OK?
Very small. it's very small.
For fuck's sake. we're going upstairs to see a Princess.
Shh shh.
You don't know.
You don't know how well do you know this Princess?
If you get into trouble. I am not helping you out!
Come on. let's go.
Don't tell me what to do.
Visiting someone at the Star Plaza Hotel.
Oh. this is the Premium Plaza Hotel car park. you want our
sister hotel. that's just 5 minutes away. sir.
It's a common mistake.
Deacon. you are a fucking spastic!
If you let me in. I'll come straight out.
I can't do a U-turn.
Yes but you'll need a ticket to come in and then you'll have
to pay when you come out.
It doesn't matter if you're here for a minute.
How much?
Christ on a bike. It says 10 pound on the sign!
He's a bit dim just like his poor deceased father...
So sorry about this.
Oy! Get a move on!!
Thank you so much.
Hi... it's about the ahh...
the delivery.
OK. Follow me.
Katherine...
what are you doing here?
Where's Arkady?
Umm...
well. actually I don't work for him... anymore...
but ahh. we have your diamond.
You look different.
Ohh no... no. no.
Nothing like that.
Oy. moron! Where are we going?
Don't tell me we're fucking lost in a fucking car park!
We've gotta get to the airport. I gotta pack my bags.
Get sorted.
What the fuck's going on?
I said. what's going with you. you fucking moron!
Oh my god. you are dim. aren't you. just like your fucking dad!
Right nunce he turned out to be. 13 and a half I was.
13 and a half. when he took my innocence. should've had you
fucking terminated.
And look at what he produced!
Look at it!
And look at the little shit he fucking well produced!!
Come on for fuck's sake! Get a move on!
- Aaarrghhh!! - What?
Move!! Drive the fucking car!! Move it!!
What the fuck is the matter with you?
Be polite!
For once in your life!! Fucking rude. cow!!
Look at what you fucking made me do!
You fucking stupid cow!!
Aahh!! Fuck!!
Let me help you with that. sir.
Show me.
Stephane?
Yes. ma'am.
Stop shaking your leg.
Gonna be back in sec. alright?
Paul. no. don't -
Paul. Don't-
Sorry. sir...
can't let you go in there.
Wh.. what's shooting?
Some zombie shit...
shooting on the roof.
Holy fuck. is that Kyle Nathan?
He's tiny. he needs a lot of boxes. huh?
Ahh. we're going to need a bigger box.
I'm gonna say hello to him real quick...
I can't let you go in there.
I'm a film producer. I really gotta get inside.
- ...It's not going to happen. - You sure? You sure?
Yeah. You can't go in there.
Hey Kyle? Kyle? Kyle? Kyle??
They're filming a zombie movie on the roof.
Couldn't give a fuck.
Right. Kyle Nathan's in it.
I'm sure you'll give a fuck now. right?
- He's alright. - Is he?
- Great friend. - Okay.
Never heard of him.
Really?
Young guy. He's huge.
He kicks some punches and all that stuff...
He's that guy who jumps in the air and kicks 10 punches
at the same time. - Oh. right.
So he hits your balls in your face...
Pretty incredible.
Katherine...
can I ask you a question?
Yes. of course...
Got any coke?
No.
Weed?
No.
All right. kids. let's look alive...
let's go.
Right...
Let's take a little trip to the bathroom...
You keep your mouth fucking shut or I fucking drop the
lot of you right now...
Now move you bunch of sunglass wearing cunts...
Move!
Do you want to get some tea and talk about it?
Look at you lot.
Pack of fucking cunts.
Whatever happened to normal fucking people?
Like me.
My dad...
the 1982 England world cup team.
Trevor Brooking. Peter With?
What happened to proper... men.
Telly Savalas. Lee Majors. masculine...
proper fucking man!
You fucking American cunt. you're first.
I'm gonna get a big fucking knife. stab your fat fucking
head. stab it so many fucking times. it's gonna explode.
Then I'm gonna shoot ya. shoot ya...
between the head.
And you. you devious. four-eyed ugly cow.
I'm gonna set fire to your tits...
with petrol!
And you. I'm gonna cut your fucking balls off
and staple them to your fucking ears!
And you...
Groucho...
I'm gonna cut your dick off. turn it to ravioli and I'm gonna
get this ugly bastard this ginger. fat ugly bastard to rape
ya with a fucking strap on...
He's gonna have 2 cocks?
Yeah!
So how does it work? Is the strap on above the first cock?
Yes.
That would just fuck my asshole above my...
Shut up!! Shut your fucking mouth!
Listen Billy...
Back up. back up. who the fuck is Billy?
You're going for the whole Billy Ray Cyrus thing. right?
Shut up.
Business in the front. party in the back-
Shut up!!
How's that song go? Give a little bit of that song.
♪ Don't tell my heart ♪ go ahead. help me out
♪ Don't break my heart. my breaky heart... ♪
♪ I'm just don't... ♪ Shut up!!
♪ I just don't understand ♪ help me out-
Shut the fuck up -
♪ Cause if you break my heart. my achey. breakey heart. ♪
♪ It might blow up and kill this man ♪
Shut your fucking mouth!
Go fuck yourself.
Someone blew up in front of us!!
It's OK. calm down.
Someone's going to hear you.
How did you know it wasn't going to blow all of us up?
What?
How did you know it wasn't gonna blow all of us!
Very small. It's a very small bomb.
It's like a firecracker. OK?
Lower your voice. cause there's people outside.
Lower your voice.
The money's all ruined.
All of it.
Not all of it.
We've got a cashier's cheque
You always got to plan ahead.
Always plan ahead.
We didn't want to carry that much cash so we asked for a
cashier's cheque for 5 million pounds.
I'm sorry? We have 5 million pounds?
5 million pounds.
I'm sorry... we have 5 million pounds!!
Guys. guys. guys. guys. we have a very big problem. there's
no water. look at us and the place's full of policemen.
And security. how the fuck are we gonna get-
how we gonna get out.
Hey just a minute.
Oh Christ.
Good... fantas-
so. we're with the mo... we're with the mov.. we're
zombies and we had to go. we had to head off. go to
craft room but Tommy. we're zombies. show him.
Yeah my mate's tellin' the truth. went for a piss. we got
fuckin' lost. we gotta nip back double sharpish before the
director gives a tug on the short and curlies.
Know what I mean
Ooh. right! Sorry.
Of course. Go right through. sir...
Just a minute.
Best if we escort you to the exit.
Follow me please.
God bless you mate.
That makes sense. that all makes sense.
Yes. thank you.
Audere est facere.
What's that?
It's Latin... It means...
to dare... is to do.
Audere est facere...
to dare is to do. audere est facere...
I like that...
it's ahh. chivalrous.
Paul...
good to work with you.
Pleasure.
Cornelius?
Always a pleasure...
Eddie?
It's been a sincere pleasure working with you again...
and if you're ever in London. call me anytime.
You got it. pal... all right... Yup...
You're dependable...
All right.
Jesus...
Flattered...
Yeah. no.
Too much.
Katherine.
Tommy.
Corny. you wanna hear about my movie?
Why not indeed.
It's gonna cost one billion dollars.
Yeah...
Look after this for me for a second
Farewell. chaps.
Bye Corny.
The road that has no turnings...
What the fuck did he say?
Hmm... yeah. don't know.
Yes.